How To Annoy Deatheaters
by JinxKatKazama
Summary: I bet there's a million of these but it's all in the title, be sure to run fast if they come running after you with their wands and be ready to laugh!
1. How To Annoy Lucius Malfoy

**How to Annoy Lucius Malfoy**

Fred and George were bored until Fred finally came up with an idea

"George, I have the best idea ever!"

George raised an eyebrow asking

"What is it oh dear brother of mine?"

"Let's make a list of things to do on how to annoy death eaters!"

"You are a genius!"

"Why thank you" he said taking a bow causing his twin to roll his eyes

"Let's get started"

* * *

><p>by the time they'd finished they came up with a list for Lucius Malfoy<p>

_Transfigure his cane into a sugar cane_

_Call him `Haldir`_

_Dye all of his Deatheater robes bright and fluorescent colours, mostly pink and yellow_

_Obliviate him and convince him that his son is dead_

_Make sure he reads each and every story about his son Draco and our favourite Bushy haired Muggle born_

_Steal snap and bury his wand_

_Tell him Bellatrix did it because she truly has gone mad_

_Dye his hair ginger while he is sleeping, make it permanent_

_Obliviate him and convince him that he's Arthur Weasley_

_Use Parsletongue to set Nagini on him, if you don't speak it get someone who does to do it_

_Instead of Nagini make it a Basilisk_

_Paint his house gold and scarlet and make the furniture burgundy_

_Photograph his face and film his reaction, show it to him afterwards_

_Post it all over the internet_

_Cut his hair_

_Ask if his hair is spaghetti_

_Hide his cane_

_Throw biscuits at him. Constantly_

_Change all of his robes to rags that are the same as Dobby's_

_Mimic everything he says._

_Poke him repeatedly._

_Ask him what died and planted itself on his head._

_Plaster his room with pictures of Dobby._

_Do your best impression of Dobby whenever he's in the room._

_Frequently reenact him losing the prophecy._

_Ask him what kind of conditioner he uses._

_Replace his shampoo with green henna dye._

_Steal his peacocks. Blame Bellatrix._

_Sell his Peacocks_

_Lock him in a room with Buckbeak._

_Give Moaning Myrtle his address and tell her it was his fault Ginny got the diary._

_Turn Draco into a ferret._

_Turn HIM into a ferret._

_Paint his fluorescent orange nails while he sleeps_

_Draw flowers and ponies on his death eater mask._

_Put plastic bugs in his soup._

_Put REAL bugs in his soup._

_Redecorate his room to look like his cell in Azkaban. Include dementor-impersonators!_

_Tie-dye his cape._

_Get him to confide in you that he doesn't really want Voldemort in his home. Then, run off and tattle on him._

_Every time he has an idea, roll your eyes and say, "Of course. Because THAT'S going to work."_

_Tell him his hair hasn't been straightened enough this morning_

_Ask to borrow his straightner_

_Sneak into his bedchamber at night and gel his hair Jedward style and give Draco matching hair._

_Tell him Dobby says hi._

_Draw a moustache on his face when he is asleep._

_Tell him he would look like Dumbledore if he grew a beard._

_Go outside his window and yell "Rapunzel Oh Rapunzel let down your hair!"_

_Yell "SPAGHETTIE HEAD" every time he walks past_

_charm the doors to sprinkle sugar, sweets and rice_

_Play the `Imperial March` theme ever time he enters a room_

_Refer to him as `The-Man-Who-Let-The-Boy-Smash-The-Prophecy`_

_Shine a flashlight on him and scream, "HE SPARKLES!"_

_Lock him in a soundproof room full of Arthur Weasley and Sirius Black fangirls_

_Polyjuice into Sirius Black and scare the life out of Bella/Snape/Cissa/all of them._

_Polyjuice into Trelawney and pretend to relay the prophecy, making some BIG changes and making them do silly things._

_Polyjuice into Albus Dumbledore and claim you're not dead. Scare the life out of them._

_Polyjuice into Andromeda and freak out Bellatrix and Narcissa_

_Sign him up to be one of those 'L'Oreal, because you're worth it' models, we all know he's secretly thrilled._

_The Malfoys love blonde jokes. Really, okay, they don't, but who cares?_

_Convince him that Voldemort is going to kill him and his family, make sure you can run fast when he finds out_

_When he suggests an idea at a Deatheater meeting, smile and say you taught him everything he knows_


	2. How To Annoy Bellatrix

**How to Annoy Bellatrix Lestrange**

**A/N: If I was J.K Rowling I wouldn't be writing this**

Tell her that her hair hasn't been washed enough to be frizzy this morning

Tell her that her hair hasn't been electrocuted enough today

Make her touch an electric Eel with a metal stick, tell her it's an order from Voldemort

When she finds out it isn't an order run and film her reaction, show it to her after you're in her good books

Post it all over the internet

Ask her which shampoo she uses

Tell her Voldemort loves Lucius more than her.

Send her love notes. Sign Snape's name.

Send Snape a love note. Sign her name.

Set her up on a blind date with Snape (this will get BOTH of them).

Set her up on a blind date with Gilderoy Lockhart

Tell her she needs to try yoga.

Ask her if she and Rodolphus would still be cousins if they got divorced.

Ask her who does her hair.

Every five minutes, ask her if she remembers "that time she got owned by Molly Weasley".

Re-enact that time she was owned by Molly Weasley

Polyjuice into Molly Weasley

Tell her Sirius was only faking.

Replace her wand with one of the twins' fake ones. Laugh as she tries to send off Harry Potter with a rubber mouse.

Call her Trix. She hates that so be sure to run fast

Tell her you think Hermione has better hair than her.

Dye her hair red

Dye her hair brown and make it extra frizzy and bushy

Get a copy of Gryffindor's sword. Trick her into thinking you broke into her vault.

Have the Hogwarts house elves follow her around all day.

Throw butter knives at her while yelling "THIS ONE'S FOR DOBBY!"

Dye every piece of clothing she owns pink

Sign her up for Dancing with the Stars.

Sign her up for Swan Lake

Obliviate her and tell her she's a prima ballerina

Sign her up to be one of those `Before` models

Try to teach her to tap dance.

Try to teach her to Hula

When she suggests an idea in a Deatheater meeting smile and say you taught her everything she knows

Buy her a stress ball

Steal, snap and bury her wand

Tell her Lucius did it

Plaster her room with pictures of Teddy Lupin

Plaster her room with pictures of Andromeda and Ted Tonks's wedding day

Paint her room all shades of pink

Make her decorations all pink fluffy and furry

Tell her she just needs a hug. Cry when she won't let you hug her.

Tell her you know just the therapist to help her get over her anger.

Give her a haircut when she's asleep

Schedule her a hair cut

Schedule a makeover for her

Lock her in a room with Sirius Black fangirls.

Play `I'm a Barbie girl` every time she walks into a room

Grandly announce her entrance

Ask her if she wants to play My Little Ponies with you. Cry when she says no.

Buy her Barbie dolls

Replace all her clothes with Barbie style clothes

Tell her Snape is more loyal than her.

Tell her to get over herself.

Mimic everything she says.

Constantly remind her that Dumbledore is a better wizard than Voldemort.

Constantly remind her that Voldemort is a `filthy` half blood

Poke her repeatedly.

Buy her a puppy

Or better yet, a kitten

Ask her suggest to Voldemort that he should use a wig

Bounce around the room non-stop for an hour and follow her when she walks away.

Add glitter and unicorn stickers to her mask to make her look `more friendly`

Write `I love to sparkle` in glitter glue on the back of her Deatheater robes

Dye her robes a bright turquoise

Or better yet a lurid pink

Introduce her to that nutter Lockhart

When doing laundry, putting Bella into the washing machine is not a 'Saturday Night Bath'.

Putting Bella in the dryer for a few minutes is not 'a way to dry her hair faster'.

I will not call Bellatrix Bella

I will also not call Voldemort Edward. Regardless of how much Bella backs me up.

Using the washing machine and dryer on fellow members is not a way to get what you want.

'Blinding people with science' does not mean I can cause bright explosions next to Snape's face in hope that he will go blind.

Creating a bonfire and dancing around it is not permitted. ESPECIALLY if said bonfire is in the headquarters' living room.

If I EVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, bring in fangirls, I WILL be killed on the spot.

Drawing lightning bolt scars on her while she's asleep will get me killed.

Drawing glasses on her will get me killed too.

Throwing her birthday parties in annoyingly cute themes are frowned upon

Give out gold stars to her when she is "particularly evil"

Copy Snape and yell `100 POINTS FROM BELLATRIX! ` Whenever she makes a bad suggestion

Smile, nod and if possible cry at death eater meetings and sit next to her

Pretend to be her for a whole day  
>Be a `Goody two shoes` Gryffindor<p>

Be Molly Weasley

Be Harry Potter

Dye her hair bright pink

Ask how many people it would take to untangle her hair

Style her hair into an afro when she's asleep

In a carrying whisper say that `She's STRANGE` alright

Smile sweetly at her when she's yelling at you


	3. How To Annoy Snape

**How to Annoy Snape**

**A/N: Refer to last chapter**

Be an insufferable `know-it-all`

Set Nagini on him

Set fire to his hair with a flame thrower

Impersonate a Swedish gourmet chef in Potions class

Try to stake him

Tell him Sirius said "BURN IN HELL YOU GREASY GIT!"

Tell him Charity Burbage said "Hi"

Tell him Dumbledore said "Hi"

Call him a greasy git

Use his hair for a source for grease

Schedule him a haircut

Steal snap and bury his wand

Tell him Draco Malfoy did it

Throw Garlic at him. Constantly

Yell `BURN! ` Every time he takes points away from Gryffindor

Call him `Snivelous` or `Snivelly`

Say, "Lily never liked you"

Say, "Oh Please! Wash your hair!"

Say, "Please take a shower"

Say, "Lily doesn't like squibs like you."

Give him a bath

Remind him that Lily is dead thanks to him

Tell him that James is your best friend

Live through all of this

Ask why his voice is so Mono

Schedule him a make over

Buy him a stress ball

Tell him you've lost your pet werewolf and ask if he's seen it.

Sneak up behind him and yell "Your robes are on fire!"

Follow him closely through the halls. Imitate his stern look and determined walk. If he turns around, stand still and smile sweetly.

Every lesson, quote things he said last lesson. Word for word.

Draw a lightning-bolt scar on his forehead when he's asleep.

Nickname your quill "Snape" and talk to it during class.

Smile at him. All the time.

When he glares at you, give a similar glare back. If he blinks or looks away jump up and shout "I won!"

Set his robes on fire.

Giggle constantly, give no reason.

Ask him if he's ticklish. Tell him if he's lying, "you'll know"

Every time his back is turned in class, move one seat closer to him.

Great him as you would a life-long friend, punch him in the arm and call him "Sevster, old pal!"

Claim that Professor Snape's proper given name is Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles.

Mutter loudly in class that he "…still owes me rent"

Sign your name on anything of his you can get a hold of.

Play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.

Offer to knight him.

Follow him at a distance. Try to make it obvious what you're doing.

Observe him. Take notes.

Call him a bat

Make a list of things that are similar of him to a Fruit bat

Trip him in the halls. _**Every**__ chance you get._

Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class.

Wolf-howl loudly from a VERY good hiding place.

Tell him he's 'Snape-tastic!'

Transfigure random items in potions class into butterflies.

Ask him how old he is.

Charm a music box that plays 'Don't Stop' by S-club 7 into never stopping. Make it invisible and leave it in his quarters.

Repeat everything he says, just after he says it, in a loud whisper and follow each repeat with "OHHHH…interesting…VERY interesting." Pretend to scribble things down rapidly.

Make him steeple his fingers and lean back into his chair saying `eeexcellent`

When he attempts to scare you in class, yawn, look bored and tell him you're 'Sorry, but the thrill is just gone.'

Ask him how Tommy is.

Throw a Mad-Eye Moody at him at random quiet moments. 'CONSTANT VIGILENCE!'

Throw peanuts at him during class. Shout _'5 points to me!'_ if you hit him.

Charm the carpet of his rooms to sprout flowers in his wake.

Answer every question with another question. Preferably one completely unrelated to the topic at hand.

Upon the announcement of one of the many detention you are bound to receive, whip out a diary and attempt to schedule a time, _'Well, I'm all booked out Tuesday, um…Thursday, is Thursday good for you?'_

Throw a pie in his face.

Ask him why his hair is always so greasy.

Read his mind.

Use occulmency

Follow Snape around and when he turns around, spray seltzer in his face.

Trip him and tell him it was Peeves.

Tell him that Draco says Snape isn't his favorite teacher anymore.

Ask him if his cloak was modeled after Dracula's

Ask him if he is a Vampire

If he looks at you in the Great Hall scream at the top of your lungs "VAMPIRE!"

Replace all his of his robes with 80's style jumpsuits

Sign him up to be a Girl Scout leader.

Put a disco ball in the dungeon, and once he starts class, make it start singing dancing queen or Mamma Mia

Wear an 'I heart Dumbledore' t-shirt.

After everything he says scream 'LIAR!'

Replace all his cloaks with dresses.

Tell him that the students could teach DADA better than he ever could.

Be a Gryffindor

Be Harry Potter

Be Hermione Granger

Be the Weasley twins

Be Lee Jordan

Dye his robes pink.

Show him your Snape voodoo doll with pins in

Cut his hair to look like Gilderoy Lockhart's

Give him a voodoo doll that is exactly like him and then snatch it back saying "Oops, sorry that was Harry's"

Stalk him around to his every day classes and scream at him 'I'm your number one fan!'

Run around him screaming he's the devil.

Run around him screaming he's a Vampire

Ask him loudly in the Great Hall why he hasn't killed Dumbledore yet.

Run around him screaming he is Dracula

Take a cross and shove it in his face yelling 'May the powers of Christ compel you!'

Yell "IT BURNS, IT BURNS!" whenever he looks at you and asks a question in Potions

Transfigure him into a Horned toad and bounce him all over the Dungeon

Whenever he is horrible say "10 POINTS FROM SNAPE!"

One word: _Imperio_

Three words: Potter Puppet Pals

Renact Potter Puppet Pals

Sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing "I Will Survive" in the mirror, film it and post it all over the internet and show it to the Great Hall

Stalk him with the Gryffindor Sword

eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.

Even if I brought enough for everyone.

Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior

Shove a crucifix in his face

Conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas

Play the 'Imperial March' theme every time he walks into a classroom

Walk into Potions, late, play the 'Imperial March' theme and say "Turn to page 394"

Spike his drinks with Veritaserum to make him admit he has never taken a bath/shower, brushed his teeth or washed his hair

Spike his drink with my badly mixed potions

Say "Sir, can my house have like, a thousand points if I promise to leave you alone?"


	4. How To Annoy Draco Malfoy

**How to Annoy Draco Malfoy**

**A/N: refer to other chapters**

Ask to be his best friend forever.

Tell him that his dad paid the hat for him to be in Slytherin; otherwise Draco would have been in Hufflepuff.

Make matching friendship bracelets for you, him, Crabbe and Goyle.

Dye his hair ginger and change his robes for hand me downs so he looks like a Weasley

Follow him around Screaming 'I AM YOUR NUMBER 1 FAN!'

Polyjuice into Moody to scare him

Get Moody to come back and turn him into Ferret and bounce him around again

Creep him out by smiling like a maniac and waving whenever you see him.

Support Harry in a fight when Draco and Harry are dueling.

Challenge him to a hula hooping competition.

Swap his wand for a fake one that transforms into a rubber chicken when used.

Set Buckbeak on him.

Be in Gryffindor

Be in Hufflepuff

Be in Ravenclaw

Be Harry Potter

Be Hermione Granger

Be Ronald Weasley

Be a Mudblood

Be a Half-blood

Punch him like Hermione in 'The Prisoner of Azkaban'

Throw rice at him, constantly

Serve him fried Snake, every day

Say he looks like Eminem, and then proceed to explain who Eminem is

Charm the words Ferret Boy onto Draco's forehead.

Claim that he has a Ferret Animagus

Call him Crabbe and Goyle collectively 'Team Rocket'

Claim that he is a Vampire

Claim Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".

Tell him to "make like a ferret and bounce"

Claim that Draco Malfoy does appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy' Or 'The Blond Boy Wonder'

Claim that Draco Malfoy is an Albino

Polyjuice him into Harry Potter

Oliviate him and convince him that his father has disowned him and kicked him out


End file.
